...month 3....

I can’t say that there has been any easy days this month, all the holidays and personal family events have hit me and the kids all at once since Dave passed away… one after the other… Each and every moment of the day there isn’t a minute that passes that I don’t think of him. If anyone that has been unlucky enough to have ever experienced losing a loved one… the feeling its like your heart has been ripped out of your chest.. squeezed and stuffed back in... Madison says,” my heart turned into a square and it just doesn’t feel right!… I find drawings and notes all around the house for Daddy … when the kids pull out the crayons and markers I know there is going to be something left behind in the clean up that is worthy of crying over… I found this one written in green marker on a paper towel…one of many but this one reads… Hi Dad… read this letter I’m writing to you… I love you! Always when I stand quiet, hug and Kiss me please!! PS; I miss you ~Madison.. .. So what to do when you come across something like that?.. You just break down and cry… cry.. Cry… that is what we are doing lately… at any spur of the moment You see something.. Hear something… and there you go… the flood comes and you have to try and pull yourself back together again… What has been the most difficult this past month... Is when I went to go pick up his Urn. Dave came home to us July 7th (a day before his birthday) and settled on his very own dresser…I had to talk myself into getting him.. And I talked to Dave for hours asking him to help me.. He was probably telling me to “shut up already” and just go get me ! ... .you just want to wake up and wish this sadness was all a NIGHTMARE!. So there Dave rests near a bunch of photos of his children, myself and even a picture of the dog ..39 years and you end up in an expensive little box! (which he would be yelling at me for spending so much on!) ...a total waste of a good life…doesn’t make any sense at all! …Also another difficult challenge was being in the grocery store again. I hadn’t been since I got the dreaded phone call of Dave’s emergency.. where I just dumped the cart in the isle and headed out to shuffle off the kids so I can get to the ER… I can check that off my list as well as a few more heartaches like returning to the hospital to pick up the missing autopsy report … I had to walk by the Chapel to get to the records department.. I looked to my right and the sign with an arrow leading to the Chapel jabbed me with sharp pain and anxiety…. hit me right in the heart bringing me back weeks to the morning of April 23rd. That is were some of us gathered before they took Dave off life support.. Our last place to pray for a miracle, that wasn’t answered ..maybe an hour passed and I held his hand and kissed Dave that morning and told him it was ok to let go…why should a wife/mother ever want to say it’s ok to let go?…. how will I ever tell my children their Daddy’s not coming home?…. I don’t even want to go there….moms are supposed to make things all better and this was one of the biggest Band-Aids that I have ever place on my kids .. Its wrapped around all of us as we go through month 3 of missing Daddy!..