month two...

Today I find myself once again sitting at the computer knowing the 2nd month anniversary is today of Dave‘s passing.. I can check off another month that I survived the excruciating pain and heartache that this has caused me and my children. And boy I wish I can turn back the time… like Carson said to me a few days ago… MaMa, “ Why did daddy have to go“? “Why did God take Daddy“? I don’t think God knew what he was doing!.. He took the wrong DADDY!!!….I’m so mad at God right now ... I said;” its certainly ok to be upset and mad“… no one knows why he took Daddy?.. But maybe it’s because Daddy was SPECIAL!.. He didn’t buy that answer, as it has been used way too much these days…. and was thinking for a moment all quiet and he then asks…,” Ma Ma.. Do you think you can RESTART the EARTH?… I choked up! And I knew exactly what he meant.. If I had the powers to turn back time I certainly would and make our family whole again…. !!!! Its been quite a roller coaster ride of ups and downs these past couple of months.... Everyday brings something new to the table whether it’s a telemarketer phone call asking for Dave… mail that comes in with his name on it….a ton of paperwork still… waiting for the official autopsy report… etc…… And then there are the 3 little people that I look at everyday and tell them we are going to be ok…but at the same time trying to convince myself just that!… Each one of my kids brings out some quality of Dave in them, it shines through their eyes and makes me smile knowing I have a piece of Dave still living ... helping me get through each day!

Carson and I were on the driveway looking up in the clouds one day.. And they were extra PUFFY as Carson says.. And he looked up and saw a boat sinking? He pointed it out it out to me and said,” and there are people on it? And when I looked… I did see his boat full of people!! ..he was pointing again… and there I saw a “person” on this boat with WINGS!!… Carson immediately saw it too.. and waved up to Daddy.. I wish I had the camera for that one… then before I knew it.. The clouds changed.. Carson says,”. there go’s Daddy he looks like a “CRAB” now..…. LOL… that made me laugh… but it did look like a crab!! he has got one imagination that kid… and keeps us cracking up!….the good thing is . .. The boat stretched out and it didn’t look like it was sinking anymore…! We are all here standing… and still taking it one day at a time!!
… I miss the sounds of your car pulling into the driveway.. The sound of the garage door going up… knowing you were home!… I miss the dog hiding when she heard your footsteps… she is looking for you.. She has rolled in your clothes again in the closet…( I think she knows you are not coming home) and dug a few more holes in your yard.. I miss your phone calls asking me “what’s for dinner”?.. all the little things you don’t realize you take for granted… I just MISS YOU! PERIOD!