MONTH 5...colors changing....

The days keep coming and going.. As time passes the colors are changing around me …The summer is turning into fall.. seems just like yesterday the colors turned into beautiful bloomed flowers the week Dave passed away.. Its so vivid in my mind I can remember it like yesterday… leaving the hospital a beautiful day with tears dripping down my face… thinking this can’t be happening to me?. Dave told me that Monday morning to “cheer up” as he left the house ... It was going to be a beautiful week! …(that was quite a week for sure and so unexpected.. And one I will remember the rest of my life!!) He always told me the weather report on Mondays and what the weeks forecast was going to look like. I never read the paper, which by the way keeps getting stuffed into my mail box day after day.. And when they cant stuff any more in...that is when I empty it.. I thought they would get the hint???.. I canceled it months ago but I’m still receiving them???… just one more thing to call on once again….I can certainly write a book on these trials and tribulations with different companies from the paper to the phone company to the cable people etc…and the nonsense I have had to deal with since Dave died..
Soon the leaves will be turning colors and falling off the trees! It will be yet another adjustment to change… winter is approaching and brings a whole new meaning to shoveling… Definitely not looking forward to the cold weather or even the holidays this year!?…. Even though we survived through most of them as we passed through each month …we will just take it one day at a time like we have been doing with our fingers and toes crossed….
Being a single mom is quite challenging and sometimes I think how did we do all that we did in a day… and manage to get to bed on time?.. Some days run smoothly and some days are utter chaos!! . But I have some great kids and I thank god for that!
So what reminds me of Dave? Well.. Crazy but true.. American Medical response trucks! Yes.. A bit strange but I have to say… it’s a sign that Dave is watching us.. ! No mater where I am around town.. A remote area… a place where one wouldn’t likely be and just is…..One on the side of the road parked or one just passing by and another following behind..…I see them. Dave got a ride to the hospital in one that day and it was the first medical bill I received in the mail because of it.. But they are everywhere now.. I never noticed them until he passed away… it was Dave’s last ride in any vehicle... Not one of his choosing.... But one that kept him alive long enough to tell him I loved him as we exchanged words while being hooked up to everything on the ER table that day.. They got him there quickly and kept him alive until I got there! He survived long enough and was awake when really he shouldn’t have been. I’m thankful for every minute I was able to see him before God took his hand. I can tell you that most days I can breathe now that I’m learning he must be in a better place… but the selfish side of me would rather have him back here so I can have a whole family again…is that too much to ask?.. Really, “ Who would of choose the pain and suffering I’m living these days“?.. Being a single mom isn’t something I ever dreamed of.. I got handed this and I’m just taking it one day at a time… figuring out how to get enough strength for today and praying to have a little more for tomorrow… its been 5 months since I have last seen Dave and our family spending time together.. But yet seems like yesterday he passed away. I close my eyes and remember all the things he used to say to make us laugh.. to make us cry and what made us smile.. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring.. I hug my children a little bit tighter.. I tell them I love them more.. And how proud I am of them… and how proud Daddy would have been if he was here to tell them himself… I know Gods gift to me were those children and believe I was chosen for this job 15 years ago when we first met.. .. Dave left me quite a big challenge here today… and although in life I’ve learned has no guarantees … but I do know Dave must of thought I was strong enough to handle this!… … I‘m slowly learning through myself and others who have helped me along the way… to be thankful for what I do have and reflect on new ways to move ahead in my life after adversity and knowing what surrounds me is love … and learning that God (or a higher power which ever you believe) has our life planned out for us from the start.. This crisis wasn’t of my choosing and yet I was the one chosen to live through something so tragic… and yes you can make choices in life but in the end you don’t ever really have control of anything.. I do believe your life is planned out for you down to the very last detail and outcome of our lives….. "choice" comes into play when we chose how we respond to it … and this is where I will learn to be a better person, mother, friend!… Though I am still trying to accept and deal with my own personal losses… I know some day I’ll figure out the new formula for which this new life that has “chosen me“… and that today I will step forward an inch as I try to do each day.. And put a little faith and trust to that old saying.. That all good things come to those who wait..…. But until then… I’ll continue to accept what has been put upon me and slowly move out of my darker days and into longer and brighter ones…. I long for the day when the colors brighten my world again… it may not be today .. But can only dream for it to happen tomorrow….