...month 4 ... of missing daddy!...

I guess I don’t know how I feel this month.. Still confused and shocked over the loss of Dave.. I look at his photo and still cant believe he is gone.. When do you finally except it? When will it hit me that he isn’t coming back home? When the dog is curled up next to me on the couch I wonder what she is thinking? I know she is questioning,” am I really supposed to be up here“?.. I know this is daddy’s spot… but I continue to let her.. .. If dave knew he was dead.. He would be soooo pssssTT OFF!!.. And even more so that the dog has out lived him!… When Dapple would dig holes in our yard..... Dave would go BIZZ-ERK!! He would say.. There you go again “Crapple” keep it up…. . Your digg’N your own grave !…..Dave had a love hate relationship with “Dapple”.. and I thank god we didn’t give her away. She really is sweet… and she is always there wanting to be next to me …leaning on my feet… during the alone times when the kids are gone she is a great companion and the house doesn’t feel so empty with her around!!

So how do I carry on with out Dave?… “just trying to make the best of it.”. I do often wonder why I was picked to handle all this !@#$%^ that life has thrown my way…I would be lying if I told you all I wasn’t angry.. upset and mad!!!… NO ONE asked me if I wanted this crisis in my life and who in their right mind could think I can handle all of it???????!!!!

So this is what 4 months looks like!. Not much has changed other than there have been more challenges and obstacles that I had to face.. Concur get though ….and get back on my feet …. Im not sure what kind of test life has thrown at me here.. im not expecting a gold star at the end of it.. Just hoping I can come out on the other side…and be able to smile and live again in some kind of “NEW” normalcy.
Myself and the children have been busy .. Really busy this summer.. And back to school is just a week away Carson will start Kindergarten.. Chase will be heading off to Middle school (6th).. And Madison will be going into 4th grade. .. For the most part they have adjusted to life with out Daddy, but not looking forward to Dave not being there for yet another milestone.. seeing his little guy get on the bus to big boy school. (thinking back.. How is this possible? Carson was just a baby.. seems like yesterday... life slips by so fast that’s for sure and they are off!) Each of our children had Daddy home that 1st day of school in the morning to see them get on the bus for Kindergarten.. Its going to be sad that Daddy wont be in the pictures this year…. I know this will be hard for me and hope we get a sign that he is there…..!
The kids ask why is there a light out still in the pantry? That is because Daddy was so good at changing light bulbs!…. and each time I flick on the switch…. I think that magically Dave has put a new bulb in…and we will have light again... So its left untouched .. Again….Its the little things you take for granted… something simple as a light bulb is hard to change these days….

Dave’s office was yet another HUGE challenge… that one I was dreading... putting off but had to be done by me.. Just sitting in his chair for hours gave me some sense of comfort.. I left his office with 3 boxes full… (thank you for the pretty box and tissue paper left on his desk for me!) Yet again .. His life contents end up in a box!… I remember Dave would ask me why I’m saving so much stuff… you cant take it with you! ( I really know what he meant now!!!) … stuff is just stuff.. its irrelevant in the big picture.. and that is so the truth. Makes you wonder about your life and all your STUFF you have …and the STUFF you still want!!!…. is really worth it..? The kids say.. Id live in a cardboard box if we can trade it all in and have our daddy back!! so really what is important?… all the STUFF or a precious life?…. Dave was a minimalist but yet .. Ill continue to save the contents of his office.. even a gum wrapper .. A broken pencil…a water bottle… whatever it may be …I will keep anything that was Daves… and hold dear to me. Thank you United Health Care for naming a conference room after him.. I saw his name on the plate outside the doorway… as I was leaving the building I took a peek in… Dave would be so honored that he had touched so many people during his 18 years of service at UHC.. I know he is smiling down ….and thank you for all those who expressed their sympathy that day and came to see me… I appreciate it and thanks to Joanne and Carm…for holding my hand and getting me though that day!

Sometimes you cant see the purpose for something so devastating like this to happen to a family .. And I don’t think ill ever understand or will ever know why God has left myself without a husband and the children with out a father??. It Just doesn’t seem fair… and question….. “what did those innocent children do to deserve to carry on without out a father?” ….I keep asking Dave WHY? WHY? WHY?… but I am also starting to see a lot of the blessings that have come my way.. and I certainly know Dave had a huge hand in taking care of me...

…. The very last photo I ever took of Dave I use on our race shirts… People ask me why I used that photo of Dave? Its one with “THAT LOOK“?… He shot me a stare ... I clearly remember…he asks me,”… Another photo Michele?… and rolled his eyes!” (I had only taken about 100 that day at the dance competition of the kids and I rarely leave the house with out my camera ).. So YEP!!!.. and glad I took it too! Our photo albums will be missing our Dad going forward…and that is something that I think about often and it makes me so sad…I will never see him again in this life… now just a memory for me and my kids.... a moment in time has stood still for Dave... and left a big ole’ hole in our hearts forever… I only wish one more snapshot… a glance… a smile… a kiss... I Love you… our Daddy an Angel in Heaven…