its been 5 years already... where did the time go?...

...to think at one time i wanted to wish my life away .. to fast forward 5 years...so the pain wouldn't be as strong.... to  take the fear out of the future that was now mine in the roll of single mother ... as i sit in this tiny room.... alone.. waiting for the doctor to come out to tell me he’s gone.... 4.23.2008 my world came crashing down on me... Life as i knew it was not ever going to be the same again. The long road ahead of us was uncertain.. how to cope? .. how to parent?.. how to survive with 3 children with busy schedules?. How was i to pick myself up .. get out of bed.. try to live a some what normal life like everyone else? we are down 1 in our family unit and the shock hadn’t warn off for quite some time. I began with the typical why me?.. but mostly why my kids? why do my children have to grow up with out their father? .. Why couldn’t he have just woke up from surgery and be full of life again?... God had different plans for us..

 over the past 5 years.. my children have coped and adapted to a new normal. They are wonderful loving and caring children that their Dad would be so proud of.. each and everyone has their own unique personalities, special talents and character that makes them who they are! 

Crazy as it sounds.. i’m glad i just couldn't click my heels to make it all better. The struggles and life lessons over these 5 years has been what i needed to experience  to get to where i am today.........the good, the bad, the ugly all rolled up in one!  TODAY..... much stronger.. quite a bit wiser and clearly the MOM my kids needed me to become  so they could get to the place where they are today! .... Thrown into this unexpected mess.. i survived.. my kids survived ....but we didn't get here alone!!

To my widow friends who have been there for me with questions and answers.. a shoulder to cry on...the hugs... the love and support... just being a text away is still comforting! To Cindy .. you have been my widow ROCK ... ironically loosing our husbands almost a week apart from each other..going from complete strangers to being a wonderful life long friend.....no doubt our husbands brought us together.....as they walked up the stairway to heaven..looking down upon us.... they knew they had to connect us together......  you are a true gift  and i’m so thankful for YOU being you!!!.. one that understands when its so hard for others too... you get it.. you went through it.. you’ve lived it!!!!! .  You are a true GEM!!

to Andy and Majid...though distance is what keeps us all apart.. widowhood is forever and only FACEBOOK away...  ...i think of you both often and i know your children are in good hands with wonderful Fathers you are!.. you should be proud of how far you have come..... thanks for being in the CLUB  that we all were thrown in.... knowing we are not alone helps in so many ways!!!

To Uncle Billy... my brother aka:  Manny!! he brings the male version of Nanny to a whole new level....! Billy has filled the void after the loss of my children's father.. he has been with us for 5 years helping a hand...changing the oil.. building fires..... Subway and Taco Bell runs... dance driver...homework hotline... Walmart runs... the jokester...the laughs.. the therapist...the snow shoveler...bill organizer....the garbage man... spider killer...premiere member... florida tours ...and so much  more ... the never ending hats and   MANNY wears.. its very  much appreciated!!!

to Auntie Maria...  the sisters we were meant to become!!!   what would i do with out you?? THANK YOU for YOU!!.. thank you for UNDERSTANDING.. thank you for the LOVE and SUPPORT... and the love that you have for my children!! I am so thankful for our kids to grow up with their cousins Sam and Nic.. they are all so very special and unique in different ways.. this is what bonds our children together.... they are who they are because of US!!!... Cheers to single parenthood... a similar club.. we are holding strong... I LOVE YOU !!! BIG HUGZZZZ!!!

To Deb Perchsy... oh there is so much you and i get ourselves  into.. the laughs.. the more laughs and the major laughs... two peas in a pod! What a wonderful neighbor you have been ..Thanks to Rob for being so understanding when you and Morgan shlep home at midnight! We make a wonderful Dance Mom pair!!!! Cheers to a fabulous dance year with Hand Jive... these two kids ROCK.. and i know Dave is up there cheering on this fabulous tap DUO!!  Thank you for always being there to help.. to glue on a rhinestone.... busting out the needle and thread.... volunteering Bette last minute.. and most importantly.. feeding Carson his 7:00 pm egg and cheese on a croissant !! ... lol!!.. good times here on the turn-a-round!`( your weeping cherry tree you planted for Dave has bloomed overnight.. its beautiful... )

Chase the neat freak!! ... he’s the one to have it all in order and ready to go!! So much like his father in more then one way.. it’s kinda scary at times.. he walks through the door and he's almost as tall as him.. i have to do a double take.... he grew like a weed over the past five years! ... i am very proud of Chase and how he has grown up with out the influence of a father figure... he knows what he likes and what he doest like and tackles it like no bodies business. For the love of computers and technical devices.. aka: iPhone!! ..the creative and cool photos and movies he puts together.. he’s a natural at that. He knows who is who on the big screen.... and still has a love for music.. iTunes!!... always a song to buy to fill his music library just like his dad!! Chase is now a Sophomore in High School and is part of the in house STEPS program. The love for art and the love of history! He just came back from a trip to Europe for spring break.. he was giving a wonderful opportunity and he took it! His dad did a semester over in Europe when he was young.. so this was a very special trip for Chase! ... also a big fan of his sister and brother in dance competitions! he is there with the book watching each dance and letting the kids know if they did good or not.. he doesn’t hold back on his opinions thats for sure... if you are in Chases inner circle that means he considers you pretty special!.. he’s very timid on letting just anyone in until he gets to know you!! ... Chase continues to make us laugh... once you get to know him.. there is a never ending smile because you just never know what he has to say... he keeps us guessing and laughing at the same time!!!!... thats  my boy and i know Dave is very proud of him!!

Madison (14) ... aka: Maddie! i spell it with an (ie) but she doesn't!! Where to start with this one? Couldn't be more prouder!! What a wonderful young lady she has turned out to be.. her kind demeanor and caring attitude for everyone. Madison is very involved in helping children and adults .. she is part of a wonderful group of girls called “the Giving Back Girls”.. in between her very busy dance life.. Maddie makes the time to take part in all the community service projects, fund raising.. and most recently being crowned Miss Southington’s Outstanding Teen 2013. She will be competing this summer for the State title.. Maddie is a straight  “A” high honor roll student in the 8th grade! .. i am always getting a letter or postcard in the mail from her teachers....telling me she is a wonderful student and what a joy to have in class! Her passion is dance and tap dancing is her thing!! She recently took up pointe last year and was in the Hartford City Ballet Nutcracker. Maddie has a warm loving heart and continues to make her father proud!

Crazy Carson!! Yep.. that about sums it up.. this kid is so funny and entertaining! Always putting on a show for anyone who watches!!  He’s a TAPPER!! continues to charm the judges with his smile and face! He is paired up this year with his BFF Morgan who together have an award winning Tap duo.. (Hand Jive) they continue to WOW the judges and they continue to be on a winning streak with this number... along with several special awards! Carson does a bang up job with his new tap solo as well and recently won first runner up to title for everyone boy/girl in the 9-10 age division! Pretty proud of him as we changed studios mid year.. and learned a new solo dance very quickly .... won a PLATINUM  and a large trophy finishing in top 5 in the 9-12 age division! way to go....!! There is also serious side to Carson and he is also a loving and caring soul!! He recently stunned all of us this past winter when he noticed a deaf person at a dance show  .. he went up to this woman and had a full out conversation in sigh language with her! The woman was almost in tears... “heck”.. i was almost in tears!! ... i had no idea he knew how to sign? later to find out ... (he sits next to a deaf boy in his class room!) Carson is very smart and has a knack for math and the love for video games.. he is constantly out smarting these games and i’m forever getting a request to buy him a new one! He can type faster then me on the computer and knows his way around a Mac and any technical device put in front of him! This kid is a crack up... and anyone who connects to Carson just loves him! I know his dad is HIGH 5-ing him up in heaven thats for sure!