in loving memory of Dave our Dad... a husband 1 year ago..April 23rd 2008 our Daddy went to Heaven...

Nothing prepares you for a crisis.. I mean really .. Would want to know one was coming anyways....? Or be thrown into it like me and self preservation kicks in ..life happens and you roll with the punches.. Nothing is worse then being by the bedside of your husband and being told there isn’t anything left that can be done… WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT? Seems like everyone on HOUSE or ER gets well and survives.. If this was a TV show he would be getting well by now!…….All these doctors and nurses.. Being in a top rated Hospital.. All the drugs you can imagine.. The doctors gather in a huddle that morning of April 23.. Knowing that huddle wasn’t something that looked promising… you never want to see too many white coats in one area at the same time…. trust me on this one!…. As I’ve witnessed its certainly not a positive sign……The air was thick this morning… you can smell the sign of death… you can see it on the nurses faces ..they were doing their job trying to keep busy.. not looking as if something devastating was going to happen in the near future… the doctors faces were also long and straight and even a bit pale looking . ….. a tear sheds from the doctors eyes as he calls me over to speak with him..… I’m sorry Mrs. Yurgaitis your husbands organs have shut down he is dying!.. is DYING???? !! … I’ve waited all these hours in this hospital for you to tell me WHAT?” Can you say that again?!!.. I’m not sure if I heard you correctly???? Waiting all this time.. Sleeping in a chair for hours on end with strangers just like you grasping on to any hope for their loved ones survival…. I didn’t just stay here all this time for you to tell me there isn’t anything left you can do!!!…

……Praying for a miracle ...pleading with God for a second chance.. If only you make him well again.. I will do anything you ask of me.. I will cook more.. I will keep a better house.. … I won’t yell at my kids …I wont fight anymore with Dave.. I’ll make sure I‘m on time… and have dinner ready! (Dave loves to eat.. He is always hungry especially when he gets home from work).… God please.. Just one more chance…..with in 42 hours my life changed for ever!…Dave is going to be taken off life support this morning..(Wednesday April 23rd 2008) …. Something I had to agree with.. Why does a wife ever want to agree with something like that…!!!…The doctors need a signature… I have to sign off on it too???.. auuggggh!!!… … what would Dave think of me signing his life away?

…. As I said my final goodbyes to Dave this morning.. I left his bedside with the photos of our children and the well wishes taped to his wall in his room...that the kids had made for daddy.… I couldn’t watch them as they start to unplug life from his body… with in minutes.. Dave took his last breath.. … God took him from us.. No miracle.. No answered prayers.. God why me? Why my children.. What did we do to deserve this?? God please help me.. Please help my children.. Where do I go from here?? I sit in the waiting room alone….. just breathing… I’m feeling more numb then I was a couple days before when I got the call that Dave collapsed at work…I felt lifeless like Dave now…… except Dave went to a peaceful place.. The pain is overwhelming.. I’m in shock…I don’t know how I’m going to live with this pain …. some say its hell right here on earth!… and I am starting to believe it! live it... feel it!

.. My surroundings went silent. I feel like I’m spinning down a tunnel … It's dark and scary. I can hear myself breathe slowly as I am left to pick up the pieces of this broken life that was just handed to me..… myself and my 3 children are faced with the biggest challenge of our lives … …. Left to continue on with out Dave/ their daddy…my husband… How will I ever be able to stand up and get out of this seat I’m sitting in?…I am hunched over with pain… I don’t want people to look at me.. I don’t want to open my eyes… I don’t want another person to tell me they are sorry.. They cant possibly know what sorry is.. They do not feel the way I’m feeling.. … . They cant even imagine what I’m going through.. Please.. No one tell me that again…. I cover my ears…I know you all mean well. But I’m am not up for it right now…...The hospital consular is approaching me… She is just doing her job.. .. I don’t want her to help me …she is sitting there at the table across from me.. I don’t know her …I don’t want to talk with her….she is handing me her business card.. .. I am thinking, “Does she have some magical powers to take pain away“?….I cant handle her or anything right now… I want to hide and just hear myself think about what I am going to do with myself .. I want to go hug my kids now..I want to let them know how much I love them.. .. My life…my future.. my NOW…. it just took a 360 degree turn for the worse….. ….. What the hell just happened here?!!!

It felt like it was a short drive from the hospital to my house….I didn’t want to head home just yet.. But where else would I go?. I know the kids are coming home from school soon….Carson is in preschool .. He has short days… I know he is home already.. The kids don’t know the seriousness of Daddy’s condition.. Their Dad is really sick and they had hopes he was going to be ok.. That was what we kept telling them when they asked…… they waited for some answers just like us.. But they didn’t see all that we saw in that hospital.. Daddy was dying .. I knew it.. I didn’t want to believe it… I certainly didn’t want my kids to know it…….

There is already a caravan lined up in front of my house. Family and Friends are already there.. News like this travels fast.. Carson is in the driveway playing chalk.. He is happy.. He doesn’t know what’s going on at all…he thinks this is great …all his family in one spot …it’s looks like a party and he is getting gifts.. What more can a 5 year old ask for!…. He has no idea.. .. and its killing me as I look at him…. holding a secret that’s not only going to crush him but his brother and sister as well …

Heart wrenching scream from Madison pieced right through me like a knife ripping out my insides… .. Chase is pleading with me NO NO NOOO!!.. Carson is stunned…a little confused now…he went from happy to sad in a split second.. … tears are flowing as I tell them Daddy went to Heaven this morning. Carson is not sure if Heaven is a permanent or temporary thing?…. … what energy I had ….finally left my body… My heart sunk to my stomach and I feel like throwing up!….at this moment a double wammy hit me today, with in a few short hours of each other…. My life has been stolen from me… nobody asked me .. What choice did I have.. It was torn away in an instant.. And I am here expected to carry on with out my husband.. Be a mom to three children… be the only one parent left… my children left to grow up with out their Dad… how cruel… how unfair life is.. Am I going to wake from this nightmare?….. Please God… Someone tell me this isn’t happening to me!!!…….

Days following .. Not sure how I am even functioning? Did I even get any sleep? I can’t even remember the days that followed as we left that hospital with out Dave. It’s all a blurr still for me… arraignments and details of the funeral need to get done….something I never thought I’d have to do at age 38, but thankfully it was all being all taken care of for me…. while I focus on story boards.. .. What will I have to show for my life …my husband and children…. Certainly we need photos.. And now to go dig for them? … it was a process… now that everything is digital.. And not every picture taken was actually printed of the family…. Hours and minutes passed so quickly but it all came together with a ton of help… these masterpieces came to life… 12 years of memories got compiled into 4 photo frames that tell the story of Dave Yurgaits and his family….

Flowers? Do we really need flowers???… no Dave would hate to have flowers on his casket… I need trees .. Shrubs I need manly looking plants …that’s what he would of wanted.. Something I could plant after the service was done… he would want to be able to make use for them.. Flowers in Dave’s mind would be a total waste of money unless they are the ones he bought and planted every year in our flower pots on the front steps.

I met my sister inlaw at this quaint little flower shop … I wanted trees on either side of Dave… as I walk through the door…. there I saw 2 bunches of bloomed dogwood tree branches in tall glass vases.. This is it!.. How perfect!… I need them both… if I wasn’t able to get trees inside a funeral home this will the next best thing!… I will decorate the branches with frames of my children that was used to decorate our Christmas tree this past December… (Now I know the reason for those photo frames).. They were packed away in a box.. Now the challenge to find where I put them?…... I can see it all coming together now.. Somehow it did.. … it just did!

I cant believe I actually have to get dressed and put on a face today.. Knowing I have to go see Dave at a funeral home.... makes me sick!……doesn’t seem right not waking up to him beside me… It’s the day of his wake….. This doesn’t seem real.. What am I doing ?.. I am lost in my thoughts…. I have to pick out an outfit for me to wear…. ..I am completely numb still ...I don‘t even know what I‘m doing?….. My body is weak from not eating… my mouth is dry… I cant believe I’m even functioning…. barely!…. Haven’t had anything to eat or drink in a few days now… I’m still in shock.. This seems so unreal… I wish someone would wake me up at any moment and I’ll have my family back again…. This cant be my life now!….

I really don’t have anything appropriate to wear to a funeral. Certainly not one for my own husband.. What will the kids wear? Dave isn’t here, as I shuffle through my closet ..… I cant even ask him if my ass looks big in these pants.. Auuggggggggg!.. Those were the days I wanted to smack him if he didn’t give me a nice answer!. He knew better what to say……..I know he would be saying, “ just don’t spend too much on a new outfit“… or “just wear something off the floor“… dirty or clean … it wouldn’t even matter to him… We were headed to Walmart just an hour before the wake.. because Madison informs me her shoes didn’t fit her anymore… and stuffing her feet into them were not an option.. neither were the sneakers she wanted to wear! …we did find a pair…. Dave was with us in spirit shopping... I can feel him guide me to the checkout ..… he is telling me “hurry up” don’t be late!.. “You are always LATE!“…. he is yelling at me….. But this time… "can’t you try to be on time HUN?!!… you have to be,.. There will be people I know waiting to greet you…. hurry…. get out of here.. go go go….. !!

As I walk into the funeral home… something was telling me that I can get through this.. The car door opened for me and I walk through the doors… not a place that makes sense for someone so young…. I gaze over to the open doorway… and there was Dave inside a wooden box ….you couldn’t actually see him.. I wanted a closed casket.. I wanted everyone to remember him the way he was and I didn’t want him lying there lifeless in a casket with people looking at him… I wanted people to remember him when he was alive and well..

Dave was surrounded by the most beautiful flowers that friends and family and co-workers had sent to the home…. My dogwood trees were there… the notes were tapped to the casket that the kids made for Daddy when he was in the hospital… his photo was placed on top of the casket .. It was the photo we had done when we got engaged.. After 15 years.. It still looked like Dave. He aged well.. And was still so handsome……This is so sad… I feel so sad for my children…I feel so sad for me…for once I had a reason to feel sorry myself…. The pain is so overwhelming I wanted to leave just then and run away from it all…. The pain is no where near describable…. Its actually so profound … I cant even explain it… why me? Why Me?! …. Why does God make it hurt so much..,,,?

The lines kept coming… I met the most caring and thoughtful human beings.. I even saw some of the ER nurses that were working on Dave when I got to the hospital that first day....thank you to all the family from both sides… all my children’s school teachers .. co workers and freinds from United Health Care...from our Dance Studio.... Those of you who hoped on a plane and drove miles to be here …my friends from the Ebay Boutique Community... thank you! Daves long lost friends from grammar school to High School to Law School.. ….thank you everyone who left cards.. sent flowers….said kind words … some of you cried on my shoulder ……those of you who shared your own personal and painful stories with me… I stood there and greeted each and everyone of you… thank you …thank you all for showing up.. .. Round two in a couple hours as we leave and take a break from it all… not sure I can eat anything once again….. as we drive away.. I see a line .. A long line still forming for the next session already.. I’m so tired and weak … geeeez Dave you have touched a lot of people.. You didn’t tell me there was going to be this many people?….. more then I ever thought possible… were are these people coming from?… but I thank you all again and again ..it means the world to me that you all were there… THANK YOU!….

One more day to go... The church service.. It was cold and rainy ... I am overwhelmed from the amount of people who showed up once again.. The church was full…..There was a bus outside in the parking lot… our last day with Dave before he will be cremated… he is ours right now for the last time….… we have several family and friends who are going to speak about Dave … tissues please!… this is going to be rough!. Even Chase will be getting up to say a few words about his Dad.. I know Dave would have been so proud of him.. I was especially proud to see him so grown up on that microphone…… Madison wrote one too.. But she wont be getting up to read it. I would of liked to have said a few words to all of you.. But I couldn’t… I appreciate all those who did.. Thank you…. I know Dave appreciated it as well... As I hold on to Madison ...wiping away the tears… as each one spoke of our Dad….

This is the beginning of the rest of my life….