9 months... its been that long!....

Puerto Rico 1/2008

So I got to Florida yesterday with the kids.. it was kinda a random thing.. I just called the airlines.. the rates were good and notified my parents we were on our way.... I had to get out of the cold.. winter is depressing enough.. as the sky is gray... everything looks lifeless ...so sick of the snow....and the minus temperatures were ready to put me over the edge! ..I am here.. its so sunny I am enjoying every moment in the sun ... the green grasses.. the blue sky and sandy beaches.. Dave would so be loving getting out of Connecticut now.. January is such a long month and a little sabbatical is always good and refreshing in the height of winter.. last year Dave and I went to Puerto Rico around this time... and now that I look back as hindsight is 20/20 it was our last trip together and I know why God gave us that gift... and really our first one since we got married ..3 kids...built 2 houses later... we were busy living and not taking time to enjoy life's finer perks .. so we went.. and planned on going again this year.. but here we are a year later.. and totally a different life scenario for me and my kids...

.. our Daddy is gone and its now the 4 of us.. so here we are in Florida and as I read the writing in the sand today at the beach.. I found my 5 year old with a stick in hand and he writes,"

"I LUF You Dad!"

ok.. so right there.. moment of silence..... and a tissue please!!!!!

Widow: wid-ow –noun
1.
a woman who has lost her husband by death and has not remarried.


I am beginning to use that word more often, now that it has been imbedded into my vocabulary… I have had to check off that box several times on paperwork since Dave passed away……and I do realize that I am no longer in the category as married!… that widow box sends a chill down my spine as I have the pen in my hand and very slowly I “X” in the appropriate box…And if the widow box is not there.. I sometimes will make a box. It’s sunk in now that yes I am under the single category again after 15 years .. But some days I feel like a rebel.... And ill check the married box to humor myself and if anyone wants to question me.. Let them… I don’t mind striking up a conversation ……does it really matter anyways? .. the bill is going to be paid whether you are single married divorced or widowed!!.

So...surely they could of made up a better word for a wife that lost their husband. I don’t like being in a "spider" category nor do I like being in a category at all….. Though some days I wouldn’t mind having 4 legs and 4 arms.. I would be able to multi task and get a lot more done .. it’s the list of responsibilities that Dave took care of.. then there were mine.. And would chose mine over his any day…. But now I got it all… all of it dumped onto me at once… with out warning! … I do have to say… I have learned a lot in these past nine months..from taking out the garbage on the correct day.. and which week is recycle week.. to paying the bills for which he had set up electronically...and getting to know my way around Home Depot. Always knowing were to go and how to get there... my sister and Joanne "ON STAR" is always a phone call a way if I get lost or in a location that's unfamiliar.. even though I don't have a mans voice like Daddy's.. I surely can make it loud enough to take on the disciplinary role that not only gets my kids to listen...but it works to get them at attention!!!!!!

What I really want is a normal life again or somewhat of a normal life with my whole family again.. Ill take a half way “normal” because normal is defined as:

NORMAL
–adjective
1.
conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

....that is completely unrealistic ..…… and something that isn’t going to happen overnight.. And I know nothing will be normal ever for me again..as I will always have the memory as I witnessed my husband fighting for his life and my children forever being with out their dad….… I always hold on to Dave's eyes as I remember them as they pierced through me with uncertainty that day…before they shut forever...

Getting over my fear of the unknown is another constant battle for me.. Everyone wants an 8 ball that has something positive to say each time you shake the thing....…of course everyone would want to know all the good that is going to happen in the future.. But would you of wanted to know the bad?? I don’t think I would of wanted to know the crisis I endured ahead of time.. I think God spared me by throwing me into this head first and left me to scramble with out notice..… this has been a huge challenge for me learning how to crawl out from under the odds that were thrown my way... I really don’t think I would of wanted to know my husband was dying or if he ever would have to suffer… nor would I want myself and my kids to know their daddy was on borrowed time.. And nor do I think Dave would of wanted to know ahead of time he was leaving this earth…I think I was spared a lot of heartache, not that what I suffered wasn’t heartache.. But the unknown in this case wasn’t as bad as if I did know… ok..does that make any sense?... Do you all follow me?…

so its been 9 months since we haven't seen our Dad, 9 months as a single mom... and 9 months that we have survived since our life had been interrupted....but also we found within those 9 months some reasons to smile....