8 months.... Happy New Year....

As I stand looking in the Christmas card isle at Hallmark.. I am overwhelmed from the amount of cards starring back at me that are for a Dad... a son and Dad.. a Daughter and a Dad… for a Husband …some for a Wife… right at that minute … time quickly sent me back into a tail spin to the reality of my life… I started to look at my surroundings for awhile and absorbed what I was seeing.. And couldn’t help but notice strangers shopping too for cards and looks on their faces.. Wondering what their story was?.. And if they had a Dad or a husband.. Or were they simply looking like I was for the hell of it…?? I’m watching as they pick each one up and laugh and chuckle… some pulled out their cell phones to ask questions as to who they should get cards for… or did they already get one?…or “you gotta hear what this card has to say“…as I scanned the wall of cards ... I felt paralyzed in time...remembering when I was in the same place as these people looking for a card for their loved one! I couldnt help feel a bit helpless knowing as a mom I couldnt fix this situation not only for myself... but for my children as well....so I very slowly removed myself from that area and disappeared further down the isle.. ..out from the family section ...making room for those last minute card shoppers to take my place… and began looking for ones that read "for special friends"…..

So its been 8 months already.. Where does the time go ?? I often think about how I got this far and it amazes me that I’m still somewhat sane to write about it.. Never would I think I would of made it quite this long with out Dave… and some days it still doesn’t seem real. Though I have excepted that I no longer have Dave’s presents and I know he is no longer going to walk through the door, it still doesn’t make it all better.. The heartache is there.. an unexpected wave of pain still taps me on the shoulder at times and as much as I want to shoo it away… I sometimes give in to it.. Talk to myself about it… an occasional outburst of tears and certain choice words fly out until I get a hold of myself and then I find myself reevaluating all that I have learned these past months and think I better get it together!… … these set backs are sometimes sudden but less frequent as I slap myself back into place for the mere fact that nothing is going to bring Dave back to us… but I gotta tell ya it does feel good to let it all out sometimes!!.. So don’t let anyone tell you a good scream or cry doesn’t fix things … its those times when you need a hug from Dave and he isn’t there to wrap his arms around us…

The holidays once again have creped up on us.. And we are challenged yet again.. with a new beginning a change as 2009 approaches…a new year without our Dad and Husband physically with us.. For the most part the kids have been doing quite well and they are unbelievably resilient at this age…and we are looking forward to putting this roller coaster of a year behind us…. and begin to move forward with a much clearer mind set and knowing with each day that passes… will bring us greater strength as time goes by and as long as we continue to stay positive I think we will get through this. ... There isn’t a day that goes by that we don’t talk about daddy or point him out on the highway or parking lots when we see the EMR trucks… daddy is always watching us and it’s a big joke when we hit Walmart or Target there is always one there parked.. Some how he is always there shopping … and he is telling us.. “Can you just try to get out of there for under $50!!???.. .of course red birds also remind us of Daddy… (also known as cardinals )… but we haven’t seen any of those lately.. If any one out there sees one.. Make sure you tell him to get his tail feather back in his own yard or just swing by to see us..! So the first major snow fall was last week.. and it seemed strange not to see the fathers in the neighborhood rev up their snow blowers .. It used to be like a snow blow party… but this year.. We woke up to a snow plow doing our driveway and sidewalks… I remember last year Dave’s snow blower bit the dust just as the end of the season… he was tempted to buy a new one.. But opt not too and shoveled the last few storms himself and now again.. I know the reason why he didn’t buy a new one… he wouldn’t of been here to use it and would sit in the garage just like the lawn mower among other daddy gadgets he has!
As this year comes to a close.. I would like to again thank everyone that has reached out to us in many different ways… the love and support from all of you from new friends to old ones… to ones I didn’t even know at all.. I thank you.. My family thanks you and most of all I believe Dave thanks you also…for all the blessings sent to his kids and Me …. for being apart of our family and touching our lives… so Thank you and Happy New Year.