a HALF of year has gone by...

I cant believe its been a half a year so far since Dave has been gone! I know I say this all the time but it doesn’t seem possible… Some days I think he still is coming home… He had so much life left to live and so many plans left undone and fatherly duties to finish… I think about all that he is missing and all that I’m seeing without him in our lives . Carson’s last soccer game is this weekend and what a great 8 weeks it has been. Last year it was just getting to know the game... But this year Carson really kicked it up a notch and is quite the little player scoring goals and running up and down the field with so much energy. He will be in swimming for the winter and that was something Dave always wanted him to get involved in .. Another natural talent this kid has and it breaks my heart to be the only parent being able to see it happen…Also Chase and Madison’s tap duet is fabulous this year.. and it saddens me that Dave isn’t around to see his children grow into wonderful dancers. Madison will be in a pageant come November and her tap solo is phenomenal, we are hoping she can pull it off this year, Daddy was there last year when she won the talent portion of the pageant and he will be with us in spirit this year…
As I move forward these days I find myself some what relieved to see the progress that I have made over these past 6 challenging months.. I have been able to acknowledge and except a variety of pain on all levels.. From completely drowning in my tears to tear drops that drip off my face.. Then there are some good tears that are from memories when daddy made us laugh ... And we cry because its so funny. Though some days a single tear drop can be so painful , an agonizing sick feeling comes over me as I am reminded that my children are without their dad and I no longer have a husband..…. I am able to live it… breathe it… feel it…except it as our new reality but its when I fear it… then those are the days it feels like a loosing battle ….until I remind myself… in the midst of all the pain and anxiety .. That a death of a loved one shouldn’t be a life sentence for those who have been left behind …but to be here in the present for those who are still living. Knowing I need to move forward with my children and out from the past.. I am learning from this new life that has been chosen for me…dwelling on my past life as I often do and I sometimes think it feels like a permanent condition for me, I find myself talking to Dave for guidance, and he is telling me to “QUIT YOUR CRY’N" which was his all time favorite line…and would hear it quite often.. Easier said then done.. But tears are good and the only way to get to the other side is to go through it…and I have found to my surprise that there have been more frequent stretches of better days then bad ones as I push forward…..
I know Dave would be proud to know that myself and his children have been able to pick up quite a few broken pieces that were handed to us and have been able to put together a new life for the four of us. I hope that somewhere up there in the heavens he can see down on us and continue to keep helping us find our way through this life challenging puzzle…not a game I would have chosen to play.. But one that just is and some day I will get that last piece in for my family… this has been a huge life adjustment for us and I’m trying to keep our strength, making the best of everyday…knowing each piece is critical for survival and someday I will complete it….and in the end.. I am confident this picture will reveal itself …